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The position of church leadership is always a controversial one. They are expected to be flawless. Any falls and the world watches you. I don’t think church leaders should ever be perfect. They should be the ones who most acknowledge their wretched nature and lean on Christ the most. I’ve always struggled with this… Because, I realize everyone is good enough to serve.. However, being in a position of leadership means that your decisions are watched and judged so much more than the average church goer. This means that you can’t have just anyone leading the charge. Pick the wrong man or woman for the job, and their poor choices will reflect on the church as a whole… Possibly breaking many hearts.
I don’t know what my role is as a leader of leaders. I don’t know if I should be forgiving or stern with the rules. I don’t know what would be the wisest choice for the church and the individual. I’m okay with hurting their feelings, if its in their best interest. I just don’t know what is best. If I see genuine concern to get to know God better, should I allow them to stay on my team? Or will their choices not only haunt them but also bring down the team… And worst of all, will poor moral choices cause the church to doubt not only the leaders but God Himself?
I wish I was wiser.
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There’s quite a bit of turmoil going on in my head right now…
You see, I go to a church filled with beautiful people. But I see this church falling apart, and I feel so powerless. For the most part, I am a sarcastic jerk who spends his time poking at people’s insecurities. My true purpose is for them to see their flaw and fix it, but I take constructive criticism to it’s bitter extreme.
Let me explain why this of such importance to me… I have many friends who are afraid of ‘letting life pass them by’. They assume partying and living it up is the way to be happy. But I don’t believe this is the way to happiness. What is man’s downfall? … Pride. Love of self vs love for God. This severs our connection to God and degrades humanity. What would be the opposite of pride? Humility.
Humility, as defined by the Oxford Dictionary, is as follows: a modest or low view of one’s own importance. What does this mean? This means that humble people are not above anyone else. This also means that if you are humble you understand the pains of the people and you are in tune with the suffering of the world. This means you will want to go out and so something about it… I believe this is the church’s purpose. To go out and do good. To help the hopeless and give them love and light. When my friends in church feel they are wasting their life, I dare say they are at the epicenter of life. A conduit for selflessness and happiness. The church should be an institution of giving.
Not only this, but I believe in eternal life. Our actions in the name of Christ are the only ones of worth. For they are the only ones that will truly echo through out eternity. Saving souls is really the only action we can take as humans that is of any substance at a cosmic level. Salvation, a gift for all, is selfishly kept behind big walls, political incompetence and theological quackery.
Now, back to my point, I am the last possible character who you would want leading a church. My words always come with razor sharp insults. I am the opposite of who I wish I was. This breaks my heart because I see my own church falling apart, and I feel I’ve willingly given up my own abilities to help for some self righteous quest to be right.
I can not see how I can help without being judged a hypocrite. I honestly can not blame them for seeing my actions as insincere if thus far I have been a negative force in their lives. I feel trapped in a prison I’ve built. But I must trust in blessings from Christ, and I must trust in His promises. I believe in the church fully, and I believe in God wholeheartedly. I just feel like the person least worthy and able of helping. But God does not call the qualified, he qualifies the called.
Maybe these are the times in which we rely on heavenly wisdom. I forgot I am never alone. Surely I’d fail on my own, but I have divine strength to aid me in my quest. Romans 8:31 “What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?” Its easy to feel the weight of reality crush our human shoulders. Its even easier to submit to God’s divine guidance and love. I really do not mind suffering or being ridiculed. If anyone comes to Christ for my sake, my life will not have been wasted.
I think I need to work on my own character a bit before acting. Not because I don’t trust in Christ, but I need to groom the church’s attitude towards me. Maybe I’m just making excuses. Its hard to tell, rationalizing fear is a very developed skill of mine. Though, through anything, God is good. Always.
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This is killing me.
I play for the praise band at my church. We were invited to play at an event with another church, it was fantastic… But this kid. This kid came up to me, complimented my sound, was so curious and humble. His clothes were simple… He seemed to want what I had, but he also seemed like he thought would never get it. The boy was so illusioned with what I had, but so dishearted in seemingly never being able to get it.
This kid’s humility broke me. I asked him if his parents went to church… He shyly looked away, then without even believing himself said ‘sometimes’. Sometimes its hard to be happy with your own life when you know there are people out there struggling. I want to give this kid everything I have. I want to raise him and show him that he has the opportunity to be truly happy. No one knows, but I was crying at that very moment. I stayed quiet and hid my tears, but this kid was just too wonderful. I wish the best for him. I hope he stays in church and never turns away from his path. I wish salvation for him a million times before I ever wish it for myself. I can give him nothing. I am useless. I help no one. I do nothing. I am a waste of space and time.
I walk around pretending I am better than anyone, and I have so much. From what I could gather, this kid had very little. Yet from his attitude he already has so much more. Its difficult to gauge such things as being able to appreciate, to be humble… I just hate myself for having such a comfortable and easy life. I want to live for others, but am too scared to give up my comfort.
I don’t even know if I should apologize for my disproportionately comfortable lifestyle… But I feel as though I have so much to give, and other’s have so little. I’m just disgusted with myself… I wish I knew how to show people how to be happy. I hope God rewards these people for their sufferings. I hope in the end their broken hearts are mended and uplifted to ultimate happiness through eternity. I wish I could do more.
