One with the most terrible of pasts can have a beautiful heart, equally, one with a bright past can be in a dark place. I like to know people’s pasts… It can give you a glimpse into the type of decisions they will be making, or the ones they learned they are no longer to make.

Of course I don’t judge, I’m no saint myself. Sometimes its just difficult to deal with close people’s pasts, versus a stranger’s. When a stranger who is kind and loving reveals to you a series of poor choices they made in the passed years, you praise them for being the awesome person they are now. When someone close to you does the same, you begin to doubt their affection for you and your worth as a person to them.

In the end, everything stems from the insecurities I have. All hated comes from within.

When I was younger, I always said we only fall in love once. That love is eternal, and that you take love with you to the grave. As others tossed the word around, I became complacent and just assumed I was falling in love left and right. But, the experiences of this near past are taking me back to a younger, wiser me. Maybe the astronomical chance of meeting the right one is a gift from God Himself, a gift I have the honor of receiving.

This is worst than drugs. I can hardly function in society, my mind goes only to one place; her. Its as if I can’t even get comfortable in bed unless she’s in my arms. Suddenly the future becomes less of a fear and more of an adventure. My heart melts and my eyes tear knowing what could be.  A faster pulse and bloodshot eyes from the nights I’ve stayed up thinking about time spent together and time that will be spent together, all things I only heard of in songs. This is too big for fear to take over. The risk is enormous, but the reward is infinitely greater.

The best part, its not perfect. I don’t assume its perfect, nor do I expect it to be easy in the least. So many flaws come together in a flurry of broken choices and traits. A painting made beautiful because of how we are woven together, not because of the quality of persons. A dissonant chord only made harmonious through the company of another. Without each other we are nothing but half empty chords. Its a whirlwind of emotions, yet a serene lake of passion. Its all and it is nothing.

I miss romance. I’ve been in my own cocoon. There have been chances, but for some time now I’ve been somewhat distant from romance. Its as if we don’t text these days. I don’t expect to meet anyone soon, I’m way too particular with my women. Not because they’re not good enough, but because I’m a failure of a human being. But there are nights where I wish I could just hold someone and stare into the infinite, her eyes, something I’ve never been able to do. Whoever she may be, and where ever she may be. I hope she’s warm.

Time to burn some bridges… Or build some. Either way, I’ll be moving in some sort of direction.

People should understand that they understand little… Its the only way to learn dagnabit! I am so ridiculously tired. I like it when my dreams have a full soundtrack. My mind makes the prettiest music. Its probably ripping off some stuff I heard earlier. I’m not delirious, you are.

Everyone thinks they’re right. The truth is seldom heard in arguments. I don’t think I know anyone who genuinely seeks truth… They all ‘know’ their own truth, and will argue the world to prove they’re right. But, really, truth is hidden among layers of arguments and opinions… Who ever is better at the sport of argument, that’s who will be right. With adequate strategy, you can ‘prove’ that gravity is a farce. No matter what point one is trying to prove, you can find an infinite layer of points to help further your case, but no matter what, the truth will always remain hidden… Silently observing what we as humans believe her to be. Without a voice of her own, she can’t help but hide underneath mountains of fancy wordplay and stubborn men.

Descartes believes that thoughts are the only truth there is. And that is about as concrete of a truth I have been able to find myself. We all perceive the world differently. Even from a moral and spiritual stand point, there is no way to find a 100% congruity amongst our thoughts when mirrored to another’s. I just wish that more people accepted the fact that we know nothing, and the only way to learn is to empty our minds and rid ourselves of preconceived notions.

I bring this noble message, but I am most guilty of being stubborn and succumbing to my own truths. To be wise is a life long journey, and I doubt I have even stepped out the door.

But, I wonder, does everyone worry as I do? Will the burden of more and more lost musicians weigh more on me as time goes on? Does every adult I see walking around think about this? Its like if I carry little holes around that will never be filled. Specially when I hear their music. What about dead musicians? For a while back in high school, I would get so sad because I knew for a fact I was never going to see Elliott Smith sing live. It was an experience I wanted so bad, but I knew was utterly out of my reach. Now I’ve come to be content with the music he has left behind. But, I mean, doesn’t it suck to think that certain bands are just never going to be more than just an mp3 file on your computer? Eh… At least I got to see RX Bandits. G’day, friends.

I know I had a few recurring readers back then, and if by any chance you read this, you will have noticed that more than two year’s worth of posts have been deleted. If you’re wondering why, it is because I wasn’t comfortable with those posts. Not because I have anything to hide, or because I wanted ‘start new’, but because it is much to easy to go back and relive some painful memories. Therefore, I am starting with a brand new first post! Writing has always been enjoyable, and I do miss it.

Now, I can’t say this will be my journal. I can’t possibly imagine who would be interested in whatever it is I do from day to day. However, reflecting on my day, and learning lessons from my daily choices… That may be of more interest and value to any reader who may come across this terrible excuse of a blog. I do intend to not share this with any one I know in real life. There may be one person who already knows I write this, but that is of no consequence. To remain anonymous will keep my mind free of wandering eyes.

Today is Sunday. Will Stratton is playing. Life is good. But, there are things that do take up a copious amount of space in my mind. One of them is, of course, women. Or a woman. However you want to think of it. You see, I am a firm believer in honesty. I hate ‘games’, I hate it when someone you care about keeps something hidden from you in fear of starting a fight. I hate when assumptions are made and actions are taken. But, in today’s society, you can’t be honest. Its rude, its scary, its annoying, its dumb. I have so many friends that tell me that to get a woman, you have to treat her poorly… It makes no sense whatsoever, you treat her poorly so she can come to you? But what’s even more mindblowing is that it works! I myself haven’t used this method, but I know plenty who decided to be distant and rude, and this raked in whichever girl they were after. Now, should one really care for a girl who falls for such cheap tactics? Of course! Every girl is beautiful and worth being loved. But it makes me angry that being kind and patient gets you so little these days. I must be making no sense. But that’s okay, that’s why its my blog, right? Heh. Anyways… I had a long talk with a good friend yesterday. A talk about romance and life. We spoke of what we wish we could do, vs what we are doing. I told him how I am all for the little things. The little things that have gone out the window. You can easily pay for any service online now, why bother taking the time to make your special one feel… special, right?

My friend and I reached the conclusion that though our views on romance and women aren’t alike those held by the majority of males, that we are to hold on to what we believe. Because, I don’t know about you, but I do believe girls are like precious gems. Don’t get me wrong, women should be strong and independent. What’s the fun in a girl who can do nothing for herself? WOW! Sorry! I am going off on some melodramatic spew that you more than likely are already fed up with. Apologies. How about we have a laugh together? A story:

In my chemistry class, my teacher was discussing some theory, and she was comparing it to muffins. Me, being the fat man I am, I started making noises to show my love for the food. Next thing I know, the girl next to me is handing me a snack! This was absolutely fantastic. Her and I have sat together and been good friends since that incident. But that is not where the laugh is to be had, it is here, weeks later. Our chemistry teacher (who is terribly cute) walks by our desk and asks us if we needed assistance. My friend asked her for an explanation, and she explained. As she walked away, I whispered to my friend “She is so cute”… Instantly! A handful of people turn around… The women are giving me the stare of death and disappointment, while the men are laughing in accordance with me. I of course buried my head in my book in hope my teacher didn’t hear me… I still am not sure, but she has been paying an awful lot of attention… I know, I know, that was a terrible story. But its all you get!

Yep. 20 minutes later and I have no clue what purpose these posts will serve. But simply writing down thoughts and experiences should make me happier.  Adios, chums!